Here's a timely question - considering some of the choices our own generation is having to make during the recession. This column dates to January 17, 1949. How does Dorothy Dix do this time 'round?
Dear Dorothy Dix: I am the wife of a traveling man and I am sick of this half-time wife business. When my husband travels I stay at home with my people. When he is off the road we stay with his. I want him to give up the road. I feel very sure that he could go into some other business that would not require that he be away from home.
He doesn’t like my home town and my friends and I don’t like his home town and his friends. We love each other, but it seems as though we are on the road to the divorce court the way things are. What shall we do?
AN UNHAPPY WIFE.
Answer - If your husband has a job, he had better stick to it. You have got to eat, you know, and this is no time to part one’s self from a pay roll.
But when you come to settle where to live, the man has the say-so. The law lets him determine the place of domicile and in most of the states he is entitled to a divorce if the wife refuses to go with him.
You must be a good sport about this. If your husband has a better chance of getting along among the people he knows and where he has friends and a family connection, it is your duty to go there cheerfully and make his friends your friends and his people your people.
13 comments:
Wow! Dorothy Dix seems to dole out her prim scoldings to these unhappy wives with ease, makes me wonder what HER situation was? I found this link http://library.apsu.edu/dix/research/guide.htm
Seems that after a horrid marriage, she was then a Widow- a condition that in those days gave women certain freedoms that they did not normally have, she did not remarry and so was free of having to contend with the law laid down by a husband and was financially independent as well.
To me her advice seems to say to women "I had to suffer and deal with it, so you do too" I would bet that had she spoken out more in favor of women's feelings and 'rights' she would not have enjoyed the popularity that she did.
I agree with Wendy. Those times must have been rough for women. So glad I grew up in modern times!
I think this is excellent advice. I live 8 hrs from my closest relative. While that is difficult, it is made easier by many of our modern conveniences. My husband has 4 sisters who, after 19 years of marriage, still only allow for my company during holiday gatherings. We converse only about safe topics such as the weather and recipes but it is of no matter. I can get along with them politely for a few hours at holidays. I have my own friends for the rest of the year. We ladies tend to think if we can't have everything we want, then we don't want any of it. Silly, really.
I say this to illustrate that when we marry we will have to make some choices. Some of them are hard. If the wife in question wants her hubby to be home more, then make home a wonderful place to be. If he prefers to be with his people, make that happen. Make friends and be agreeable with those around you and you will feel at home even if you live 8 hrs away. I think this may have been Dix's way of telling this wife that she was being selfish and that is no way to have a marriage. She told her these things to help her avert her future unhappiness not to gloat over her.
For the times, DD was partially correct - Don't give up a job. But in 1949, the wife had some say as to where she would live. Guess, too it would have depended on which state she lived in.
For this day and age - DD was right. Don't give up a job. But the rest - well, I cannot repeat it here.
I'm sure that although Dorothy Dix was very popular with certain women, she must have been despised by those who might have been beginning to feel that the male dominated world was not right. I find it appalling that she apparenly took out her anger on those to whom she gave advice. She seems to be saying - shape up or ship out - and you'd better do it my way and suffer right along with me - and if you don't suffer enough I'll call you names and belittle you.
I'm old enough that I remember the protests and the troubles we went through to win women's rights - and I'm glad we did.
Interesting that she brought up the point about it being a legal issue about the man choosing where to live...if that was true, so be it...but how many men would have actually exercised their right to literally lay down the law? I know times and perceptions were different then, but I find it hard to believe that every man was the stereotypical dictator and that every woman was the stereotypical subservient being.
That said, I think the wife was being a little selfish. She knew he had to travel for his work when she married him and so knew what she was signing up for.
Amen to Piecefulafternoon's "I'm old enough that I remember the protests and the troubles we went through to win women's rights - and I'm glad we did." I was temporarily so angry after reading DD's response that I could not think of one civil thing to say.
Oh my. As a Military wife I can sympathize with the unhappy housewife, but can also agree with DD response. I've moved quite often, and think I get the raw end of that deal. However, I love my husband and he has a fabulous job. Someone has to do what we do, so better to be cheerful and loving than to dwell on the bad things. What's the phrase, 'Bloom where you are planted' :)
Yikes! why didn't she just put her over her knee and let her have it!
My mother was an abused wife durring those times and was sent home at the police station for seeking help, with the advice to fight her own battles!
She gained a divorces thank goodness but womens rights won or not were not practiced as they should have been. I can see why she told her to make her home a happy one and get on with it. sad...
Wow! Some very different opinions here... I suspect Ms. Dix's advice is more likely the kind of advice a young woman would've gotten from her grandmother or mother than she would've gotten from her girlfriends. Times they were a-changin'.
I thought the wife sounded a little like a spoiled brat, myself. The bigger question might be - why haven't the couple set up housekeeping on their own - wherever it might be? Why are they splitting their time between her parents' house and his parents' house? The writer might be a lot more happy if she was keeping house for she and her husband. Even if only in a small place in her husband's hometown. I think Ms. Dix makes a lot of sense when she suggests that the husband probably has a better chance of making a good living at whatever he does in the place where he already has connections.
Just wanted to add: if there's one thing that hasn't changed in 60 years, it's that compromise is essential to marriage.
I'm a bit torn on this one.
I agree that, especially in 1949, the husband probably had better job prospects, and that she knew he traveled when she married him, and it's hard to argue with the husband's legal right to decide where they live.
On the other hand, as somebody who doesn't make friends easily and dislikes disruption herself, the idea of moving back and forth all the time sounds very stressful. (I wouldn't mind living alone half the time as much as she seems to, though.) Living with parents would drive me insane (never mind living with both sets of parents, in turn!), but I suspect it was common at the time, and possibly they can't afford to move out.
Personally, I think it sounds like compromise could be made all around. She ought to look into getting a job, too, to keep herself occupied, earn a little money so they could get their own place, and get her out and around people that don't belong to his or her preexisting groups of friends. And I think a concerned husband, even if he can't give up his traveling job, should try to make sure his wife has living arrangements that don't stress her out even more, since he's often not around for support.
It bothers me that they don't like each others' friends or hometowns, and that she goes home to her own parents when he's not around, but lives with his when he is. It seems like neither of them has really left the nest, and I wonder if they were really mature enough to be married in the first place.
It does sound like they must be awfully young, but many young marrieds were 18, 20, 22 years old when they started out - so living with "the folks" was probably quite common for a time.
Your suggestion about the wife getting a job to help out with the income (making a home of their own possible) and to make new friends --- it makes me feel kind of icky inside. Cuz just hearing you say that makes me realize that this wouldn't have even been an option in most circles. It wouldn't have been considered proper for a married woman to work outside the home. She would have had to get extra creative to enlarge her circle of friends, so to speak. Options are good, aren't they?
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