This week's topic: How to deal with a husband who might be seeing another woman? Dorothy Dix lights a fire under the suspicious wife in this column first printed on April 12, 1940. What do you think of her answer? Is Ms. Dix naive or is her advice sound?
Dear Miss Dix: I have a bad case of the jitters and here is the reason: An old flame of my husband's has come back to town, after having lived in the East for several years, and he has been seen out with her. The first time I heard of it I wasn't so terribly upset, as there was another gentleman with them, so I took it for granted that the other man was her escort. But since then my husband and the lady have been seen alone and I feel sure that he still thinks a great deal of her. She isn't a young woman any more, but they tell me she still retains much of her good looks. I must admit that the lady in question has always been a most wonderful character and has lived a fine, clean life. Yet I am simply bursting to let him know that he isn't putting anything over on me and that I know she is back in town and that they have been seen together two or three times. Shall I do this, or would you just let the affair ride?
WORRIED.
Answer - You are one of the women who explain why husbands have to lie to their wives, and why they have to do things secretly and undercover when they would much rather be frank and open about them.
A perfectly commonplace thing has happened that no doubt your husband would like to talk over with you, but your idiotic jealousy forces him to keep silent about it to save a scene. He can't say to you: "Mary Jane," or whatever her name is, "is in town and I met her on the street and took her to lunch, " because if he did you would raise the roof. Still less can he suggest your inviting her to dinner, so if he sees her at all he has to do it on the sly and make an affair of something that is nothing.
Can't you see how silly you are acting? You are burned up because this middle-aged woman who hasn't been home for years comes back to her old town. In heaven's name, what significance is there in that? Isn't it something that everybody in the world does? And if your husband and she were friends or even sweethearts years ago, are you naive enough to think that they are still in love, when each of them has married and had a different life and been happy and satisfied?
Don't you know that if she had designs on him she would have found some means to get in contact with him years ago? Don't you know that if he were still in love with her that he would have gone to see her? You couldn't have kept them apart. But neither one has existed for the other except just as a pleasant memory, as every man and woman have for their boy and girl sweethearts.
Haven't you intelligence enough to know that the sure cure for any youthful romance is to meet the beloved one after the lapse of years? For time does things to all of us that dispels the glamour that once encircled us.
My advice to you is to take counsel with your common sense instead of your jealousy. Tell your husband that you know his friend is in town. Call upon her and invite her to dinner.
Believe me, she has no designs upon him and you are torturing yourself needlessly.
13 comments:
I have to agree with The Dix on this one...It always behooves a woman to play it cool, ladies.
She sure didn't hold anything back, did she? I think she may have been a little harsh...if they were innocent meetings the husband would have already mentioned it to his wife, which he clearly hadn't yet.
I usually agree with the wise Miss Dix but this is a tough one! While I agree with Tammy that she should keep her cool, I also think that she owes it to herself to be open with her husband about her feelings, I wonder if her husband is hiding what he is doing because his wife is an overly jealous woman or because he knows he is doing something wrong?? Men and women have been having affairs for ages and sometimes they do start off innocently enough. I think if she talks to her husband and tells him that she feels uncomfortable about his outings and he still continues to be seen with this woman, there might be more to it than meets the eye.
Wow - when a woman asked for advice she got a horribly stern scolding. I think the wife needs to confront her husband gently, maybe invite the woman over - but for goodness sakes, use some kindness.
My first and last reaction was B*S*. DD and we don't know enough about the real situation to give proper advice. I think DD screwed this one up royally.
PS IS Dorothy Dix really a woman? She doesn't sound like one.
I agree with Packrat, she screwed up on this one.
As someone whose ex-husband had an affair fro the last 3 or our 6-year marriage, I look at this very differently.
The fact that the husband is seeing an old flame isn't necessarily a problem. What I take issue with is that the wife has heard about it second-dhand, he hasn't said anything himself. If it was so innocent he should have mentioned it to his wife. Keeping secrets always ends badly.
If you are doing something that you can't tell your partner about, it's a sign that you shouldn't be doing it in the first place. That's the counsel I gave my son before he got married.
As someone who has been hurt by infidelity, I completely disagree with her response.
I was always told honesty is the best policy. If he has nothing to hide he should say" guess who I ran into. " I would be just as upset with a husband I couldn't trust . (honesty is honesty) years and years ago my hubby took out his high school girl friend ( I sent along a friend ,the best man)when she came to town hubby asked if I wanted to go I said no . I didn't real want to get to know her. Hubby and best man were home before 10:00 .The girl never came back again. Happy Thanksgiving everyone.
Tammy, you're killin' me --- "The Dix"!
It seems to me like Ms. Dix sure gives the husband the benefit of the doubt awful quickly... That said, the wife probably ought to have discussed the fact that the "old flame" was back in town with her husband as soon as she heard about it. If he didn't have anything to hide and had just felt awkward about the whole thing he would have opened up right away about "running into her." Whatever else, the grapevine in her town is certainly in working order. The wife seems to have heard about her husband's rendez-vous very quickly!
I was wondering when someone would get the double entendre!
Well, that kind of twist would certainly surprise a few of her biographers! ;)
This is one of those weird ones where you can't really make a call without more information.
Personally, I think Ms. Dix was too quick to let the husband off the hook. My boyfriend would never be seen with an old girlfriend without telling me, nor would/do I hide any of my male friends from him. Hubby should have been up-front about it. Worse, he's apparently had several chances to be up-front but hasn't done it. Wives should not hear about this kind of thing secondhand, even if it's innocent. Not cool.
Can you imagine how horrified WORRIED was when word reached her about her husband being seen with his old flame? I can just see her scrubbing away at his dirty clothes while some catty neighbors pops by to spill the gossip and watch her face drop. :(
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